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It seems today that all you see
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00:00:05,872 --> 00:00:09,035
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,376 --> 00:00:12,743
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
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On which we used to rely?
5
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Lucky there's a family guy
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Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
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All the things that make us
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Laugh and cry
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He's a family guy
10
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I must say
I do feel a strange satisfaction...
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watching the black ball topple
all those self-righteous white pins.
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00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,715
Can't blame them for being self-righteous.
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The black ball's
in their neighborhood uninvited.
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The black ball's done nothing wrong.
15
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If the black ball's innocent,
it has nothing to fear.
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Wonder what the hell's down there.
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Judd Hirsch?
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Hey.
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What's going on?
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Nothing.
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All right.
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Hi, boys. Your ride is here.
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Hey, you're just in time.
Mort's one ball away from a perfect game.
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Oh, God. The pressure's too much.
25
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I just lost control of my bladder.
26
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Why didn't I clothespin the end
of my penis like Muriel told me to?
27
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Oh, my God. You bowled a perfect game.
28
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I just never stopped believing.
Say no to acid.
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Jeez, relax, Mort.
You'd think you were God himself.
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No, he's over there.
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Hey, you want to see what I can do?
All right, ready? Check it out.
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Beer, glass. All right, now watch this.
33
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Oh, hey.
Guess I'll go over here for a minute.
34
00:02:03,022 --> 00:02:04,114
Oh, holy crap!
35
00:02:04,224 --> 00:02:06,351
That's still pouring itself. Oh, wow.
That's amazing.
36
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I've never seen anyone do that.
You want to go out later?
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I'll be right back. I'm gonna go tinkle.
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Okay, everybody ready?
Hey, where's Quagmire?
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Would you just sit down
and go to the bathroom already?
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A scandal at
the Quahog Bowling Alley tonight...
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where a local man, Glenn Quagmire...
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was charged with peeping
in the ladies'room.
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Coming up, Diane's weight.
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He's all yours, Joe.
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00:02:56,042 --> 00:02:58,272
You're lucky I've got some extra pull
around here...
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00:02:58,378 --> 00:03:00,778
thanks to my 18 medals for heroism.
47
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There he goes again with the medals.
48
00:03:02,715 --> 00:03:06,014
Hey, Joe, if you love your medals so much,
why don't you marry them?
49
00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:07,780
I did something like that once.
50
00:03:07,887 --> 00:03:09,445
And in the event of your death...
51
00:03:09,556 --> 00:03:12,184
you'd like the insurance policy
to be paid to your wife?
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Yup.
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00:03:13,526 --> 00:03:15,926
And your wife is this piece of pie?
54
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You got it. Love you.
55
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Okay, sign here.
56
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You know what? You can probably
go ahead and cancel that.
57
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Well, well, look who's here.
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All right, all right,
look, I know an apology is due here...
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so, Lois, tell Quagmire
you're sorry you had him arrested.
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Excuse me?
He's the one who owes me an apology.
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He was watching me go to the bathroom.
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Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive,
Lois. It's a positive thing.
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Thank you, Glenn,
for complimenting our family.
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We have had it
with his disrespect for women.
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We're petitioning the city to have him
removed from the neighborhood.
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Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby
into the world with him running around.
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00:03:56,035 --> 00:03:59,129
First of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant
for six years, all right?
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Either have the baby or don't.
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Second of all, Quagmire's a good guy.
He's just a little mixed up.
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00:05:08,941 --> 00:05:12,308
- This isn't medium rare.
- Then have them take it back.
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Sorry about that.
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Second of all, Quagmire's a good guy,
you know? He's just a little mixed up.
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That's all. Come on.
Give him another chance, eh?
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All right. But one more incident
like the one at the bowling alley...
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and Quagmire is out of this neighborhood.
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Now, don't worry about a thing, Quagmire.
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Your pals are gonna
help you change your ways.
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I don't know, Peter.
I'm not sure I can do this.
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Meg, get out of the way.
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00:07:04,824 --> 00:07:08,988
All right, Glenn. This exercise
should help teach you self-control.
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00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:14,628
Here's this month's
Victoria's Secret catalog.
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Oh, God. Oh, God.
Dead kittens. Dead kittens.
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Old nuns. Really old nuns.
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Renee Zellweger. Oh, there we go.
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- All right.
- You did good. Good.
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00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:30,474
Peter, are you sure
Quagmire is ready to be out in public?
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00:07:30,583 --> 00:07:31,880
Nothing to worry about, Lois.
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00:07:31,984 --> 00:07:34,418
We figured out
a foolproof rehabilitation method.
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00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,887
I got the idea from when Brian
had to wear that cone after his operation.
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00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:40,481
Okay, if I make this,
we're all gonna get laid.
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00:07:41,661 --> 00:07:43,891
Yes! Score! Score!
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Boy, I'd really like to
chew on my crotch right now.
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00:07:46,732 --> 00:07:49,530
Okay, Quagmire.
Time to take off your training wheels.
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00:07:50,570 --> 00:07:51,969
Okay, I think I'm ready.
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00:07:57,810 --> 00:07:58,936
Oh, boy.
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00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:01,172
- What's the matter, Glenn?
- Nothing.
97
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:06,175
Oh, Stacie, you dropped
your pompom in the water.
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00:08:06,285 --> 00:08:07,980
- I'll get it for you.
- I'll come with you.
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- Me, too.
- But wait a minute.
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We don't want to get our sweaters all wet.
Better take them off.
101
00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:15,088
Splash fight!
102
00:08:22,134 --> 00:08:25,365
Oh, God. Oh, God. I need some air.
103
00:08:30,376 --> 00:08:31,900
Naked plastic chicks.
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00:08:42,989 --> 00:08:45,287
- Where am I? Am I dead?
- No.
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This is where we monitor
all the dressing rooms in the mall...
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00:08:48,327 --> 00:08:50,022
so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters.
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You don't say.
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Oh, my God!
That one's having a heart attack!
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- That was amazing.
- You saved her life.
110
00:09:09,448 --> 00:09:11,177
Thank God you know CPR.
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00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:12,876
What the hell's CPR?
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Congratulations, Quagmire.
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You're the newest member
of my wall of fame.
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What's wrong, Peter?
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00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:24,560
It's nothing, Joe. I don't know.
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It's just that all you guys
have something to be proud of.
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Quagmire got a key to the city.
Mort bowled a perfect game.
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00:09:30,803 --> 00:09:32,862
You're always getting medals
for catching crooks.
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00:09:32,972 --> 00:09:35,440
Hell, even Cleveland
used to be an accomplished auctioneer.
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00:09:35,541 --> 00:09:39,375
I have 125. Do I hear 130? $130,000
for this authentic Comanche headdress?
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I got 130. Do I hear 135? 140? Do I hear...
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135, going once.
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I'm the only one here
who's got nothing, you know?
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If I die tomorrow, there's nothing
people would remember me for.
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00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:58,053
Not if you jumped off a skyscraper
and landed on Joan Cusack.
126
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People would say, "Hey, remember
that guy who landed on Joan Cusack?"
127
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Well, things are gonna change.
128
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From this day forth, people are gonna
know the name Peter Griffin...
129
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even if I have to shout it
from the rooftops.
130
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You hear that, world?
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I am gonna do something
that people will remember me for.
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00:10:18,884 --> 00:10:22,217
Oh, God! Sorry, sorry. Hey, Joan Cusack.
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00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:24,482
Hello?
134
00:10:25,725 --> 00:10:26,692
Oh-oh.
135
00:10:40,773 --> 00:10:44,334
Peter, if you'd just let me talk, I'll explain
to you why you shouldn't do this.
136
00:10:44,443 --> 00:10:47,412
Later, Brian. I gotta do something
people will remember me for...
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00:10:47,513 --> 00:10:51,040
which is why I've invented
a new type of flying machine.
138
00:10:51,183 --> 00:10:53,947
You know, I vaguely recall
seeing footage somewhere...
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00:10:54,053 --> 00:10:58,786
of something exactly like this that leads
me to believe this probably won't work.
140
00:10:58,958 --> 00:11:00,687
All right, Stewie. Let her rip.
141
00:11:04,864 --> 00:11:05,831
All right...
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00:11:05,931 --> 00:11:09,799
we attack the Rice Krispie guys at dawn,
assuming Judd Hirsch delivers the goods.
143
00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:15,337
Brian, this time, I think I got just the thing
people will remember me for.
144
00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:18,899
I am gonna stop pollution
with my new lovable character...
145
00:11:19,011 --> 00:11:21,206
Gary the No-Trash Cougar.
146
00:11:24,417 --> 00:11:28,012
Pick up your trash!
I want to know whose cup this is.
147
00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:31,279
I said I want to know whose cup this is!
148
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,891
Pick it up!
149
00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:36,721
Thank you, sweetie.
150
00:11:36,829 --> 00:11:39,855
See what a nicer place this is
when we all pitch in?
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00:11:40,166 --> 00:11:42,999
Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says:
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"Give a larbage, throw out your garbage. "
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Spread the word.
154
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:57,004
Those freaking elves, man.
They just came out of the trees, man.
155
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- They just came out of the trees.
- You saved my ass back there.
156
00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:01,648
You saved mine.
157
00:12:02,588 --> 00:12:05,148
- Here's to Snap.
- To Snap.
158
00:12:06,092 --> 00:12:07,320
This sucks.
159
00:12:07,426 --> 00:12:10,054
I've been working on this all week
and I keep coming up dry.
160
00:12:10,162 --> 00:12:13,131
Who am I kidding? I'm never gonna
be remembered for anything.
161
00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:15,700
Not like my great-great-uncles,
the Siamese twins...
162
00:12:15,801 --> 00:12:17,564
who fought each other in the Civil War.
163
00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:20,434
- I'm seceding.
- Like hell you are.
164
00:12:23,175 --> 00:12:24,403
Not too smart, huh?
165
00:12:24,510 --> 00:12:26,705
Yeah, did not think that one through.
166
00:12:27,079 --> 00:12:30,515
Peter, you have to stop
comparing yourself to other people...
167
00:12:30,616 --> 00:12:33,608
and find out what's special about you.
168
00:12:33,719 --> 00:12:36,415
In sadder news, the man
who held the Guinness World Record...
169
00:12:36,522 --> 00:12:40,288
for most drugs ever done
by a single human being died today.
170
00:12:40,459 --> 00:12:44,190
He was attacked by a pack of wild dogs
he thought he saw.
171
00:12:45,064 --> 00:12:47,589
There you go, Peter.
You could break a world record.
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00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,895
What, are you nuts?
I got no special talents.
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What can I do that nobody else does?
174
00:12:51,971 --> 00:12:53,438
Well, you just ate my tip.
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I got it!
176
00:13:03,415 --> 00:13:05,781
Peter, you're really putting away
those Mentos.
177
00:13:05,885 --> 00:13:07,546
These aren't Mentos, Lois.
178
00:13:07,653 --> 00:13:11,612
Everybody, you're looking at a guy
who's gonna set a new world record.
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00:13:11,724 --> 00:13:16,423
I am gonna eat more nickels
than anyone has ever eaten before.
180
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:18,724
Setting this world record
is gonna make me famous...
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00:13:18,831 --> 00:13:21,299
just like the world's fattest twins
over there.
182
00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:25,400
- Did I tell you that I'm doing Atkins?
- Oh, that's not good for you.
183
00:13:31,277 --> 00:13:33,609
- Dad, I just don't hear it.
- Come on!
184
00:13:33,712 --> 00:13:35,009
Really, Peter. It just doesn't...
185
00:13:35,114 --> 00:13:37,412
You're telling me that doesn't sound
like Camptown Races?
186
00:13:37,516 --> 00:13:38,744
Not one bit.
187
00:13:39,852 --> 00:13:41,547
Do Short People!
188
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,680
This is the worst use of money
since I tricked out my big wheel.
189
00:13:52,698 --> 00:13:56,657
Hey, ladies, check out this ride. Yeah.
190
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:59,533
I'm off to make trouble
for the establishment.
191
00:14:02,942 --> 00:14:04,705
I love you, Lois.
192
00:14:04,810 --> 00:14:08,906
I love you, too, Peter.
Even if you are full of nickels.
193
00:14:22,995 --> 00:14:24,223
Goodnight, honey.
194
00:14:33,906 --> 00:14:36,397
Oh, my God, Lois. I can't see.
195
00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:41,241
How about now?
No, nothing.
196
00:14:41,347 --> 00:14:43,042
Well, that makes me feel
much better.
197
00:14:43,148 --> 00:14:44,740
You can't see the spaceship, either.
198
00:14:44,850 --> 00:14:47,375
My cousin Marshall insists
if you look past the picture...
199
00:14:47,486 --> 00:14:48,680
you can see a spaceship.
200
00:14:48,787 --> 00:14:50,880
Can you please just tell us
what's wrong with my husband?
201
00:14:50,990 --> 00:14:54,721
Oh, yes. You see, after ingesting
such a large number of metal coins...
202
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:57,489
Mr. Griffin appears to have succumbed
to nickel poisoning...
203
00:14:57,596 --> 00:14:58,893
causing him to lose his sight.
204
00:14:58,998 --> 00:15:01,990
Oh, my God, Lois. I'm blind as a bat.
I can't see a damn thing.
205
00:15:02,101 --> 00:15:04,399
You know what else you can't see?
The writing on the wall.
206
00:15:04,503 --> 00:15:06,937
Vaudeville's dead. And TV's the box
they're gonna bury it in.
207
00:15:07,039 --> 00:15:09,405
Back then, everybody had a specialty.
I, for one, am a tumbler.
208
00:15:09,508 --> 00:15:11,408
Watch me leap through this big hoop.
209
00:15:12,177 --> 00:15:13,269
Vamp! Vamp!
210
00:15:21,787 --> 00:15:25,018
So we're all gonna have to pitch in
and help your father out...
211
00:15:25,124 --> 00:15:26,557
now that he's lost his sight.
212
00:15:26,692 --> 00:15:29,058
Nobody took care of me
when I lost my arms and legs...
213
00:15:29,161 --> 00:15:30,594
and was struck blind, deaf, and dumb.
214
00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:34,425
Hey, Meg,
they got a Happy Days spoof in here...
215
00:15:34,533 --> 00:15:36,262
but they call it Crappy Days.
216
00:15:39,238 --> 00:15:40,296
All right, you know what?
217
00:15:40,406 --> 00:15:42,897
If you're not gonna laugh,
then I'm not gonna keep you company.
218
00:15:43,008 --> 00:15:46,808
This sucks. Now the only thing anybody's
gonna remember me for after I die...
219
00:15:46,912 --> 00:15:48,743
is being that blind guy.
220
00:15:48,847 --> 00:15:50,041
Don't give up yet, Peter.
221
00:15:50,149 --> 00:15:52,709
I mean,
many blind people live rich, fulfilling lives.
222
00:15:52,818 --> 00:15:56,219
I don't know, Brian.
I mean, I guess I can give it a shot.
223
00:15:58,123 --> 00:16:01,456
Oh, my God, I almost didn't do it.
I almost didn't do it.
224
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:03,152
I thought, "Is this in bad taste?"
225
00:16:03,262 --> 00:16:04,752
But you know what? I went for it.
226
00:16:04,863 --> 00:16:06,854
I went for it and I am so glad I did.
227
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:09,762
Oh, worth it. Totally worth it.
228
00:16:22,014 --> 00:16:25,415
- Hey, you still awake, Lois, honey?
- Dad?
229
00:16:25,517 --> 00:16:27,781
That's right. I'm your daddy.
230
00:16:28,854 --> 00:16:30,651
Don't talk, Lois. Don't talk.
231
00:16:30,756 --> 00:16:34,089
Just let me do all the work. Yeah.
232
00:16:34,293 --> 00:16:37,319
Now feel my warm breath
on the nape of your neck.
233
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:42,466
My hands on your big soft boobs
running down your big manlike...
234
00:16:42,568 --> 00:16:44,058
Holy crap, it's Chris.
235
00:16:45,371 --> 00:16:47,839
So, how're you doing?
236
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:52,641
You do all your homework?
Finish all your subjects?
237
00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:54,076
- Yes, sir.
- Good.
238
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:57,444
Just checking. Have a good night, Son.
239
00:16:59,118 --> 00:17:01,552
You still awake, honey?
What the deuce?
240
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:10,190
- Peter, what the hell is that?
- This is my Seeing Eye dog, Brutus.
241
00:17:10,295 --> 00:17:11,785
What do you need a Seeing Eye dog for?
242
00:17:11,897 --> 00:17:15,196
Well, because I can't do anything
for myself, Brian. I can't drive.
243
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:16,790
I don't know when to cross the street.
244
00:17:16,902 --> 00:17:18,699
And I took a dump
in the church confessional...
245
00:17:18,804 --> 00:17:20,999
which I guess they frown upon
if you're not homeless.
246
00:17:21,106 --> 00:17:23,472
I thought I could deal with being blind
at first.
247
00:17:23,575 --> 00:17:24,667
But I don't know.
248
00:17:24,777 --> 00:17:27,712
I haven't felt this out of place
since that week I lived with Superman.
249
00:17:29,815 --> 00:17:34,275
We must stop Lex Luthor before
he irradiates the world's supply of gold.
250
00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:37,878
Hi, sorry.
I know you got a meeting going on. But...
251
00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:42,926
So we are officially running low
on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its.
252
00:17:43,028 --> 00:17:45,519
So just putting it out there.
253
00:17:45,631 --> 00:17:48,065
If you're heading to the store later...
254
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:52,365
you know, 800-mile drive for me,
like, five seconds for you.
255
00:17:52,471 --> 00:17:53,802
Whatever. I'm not here.
256
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,999
Peter, this is something
you're still adjusting to.
257
00:17:56,108 --> 00:17:57,871
You can't expect
to get used to it overnight.
258
00:17:57,976 --> 00:18:00,206
Whatever you say, Brian.
I'm going to The Clam.
259
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,279
Did Peter leave?
260
00:18:03,382 --> 00:18:05,646
Yeah. Boy, he's really down about this.
261
00:18:05,784 --> 00:18:08,548
I know. I'm so worried about him.
262
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:11,589
I've been looking into support groups
we could join to help him.
263
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:15,151
- Are you not wearing makeup?
- No, I just...
264
00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:16,818
You know, since Peter went blind...
265
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:20,421
it's actually been kind of nice not to
have to worry about my appearance.
266
00:18:20,532 --> 00:18:21,794
I see.
267
00:18:22,201 --> 00:18:23,828
Is it really noticeable?
268
00:18:25,137 --> 00:18:27,298
Well, a little mascara wouldn't kill you.
269
00:18:27,506 --> 00:18:30,339
I was kind of thinking I'd try
an au naturel thing.
270
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:34,335
You think you have the skin for that?
271
00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:40,209
Oh, let me light that for you, babe.
272
00:18:41,253 --> 00:18:44,188
- Wow!
- Yeah, magic fingers.
273
00:18:46,258 --> 00:18:48,158
- Jesus Christ!
- What?
274
00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:49,955
Get the Escalade. We're out of here.
275
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:04,608
Come on, girl. I'm thirsty.
276
00:19:05,177 --> 00:19:09,113
All right, you don't want to come in? Fine.
I'll just tie you to this parking meter.
277
00:19:17,055 --> 00:19:18,317
Hey, Horace.
278
00:19:18,423 --> 00:19:19,981
I'll have a Pawtucket Patriot.
279
00:19:21,026 --> 00:19:22,891
So how's your hammer hanging?
280
00:19:24,396 --> 00:19:25,920
Is somebody smoking in here?
281
00:19:28,467 --> 00:19:30,458
Hey, you ever watch that show Scrubs?
282
00:19:30,569 --> 00:19:33,697
Lois had it on the other night
and I was kind of fading in and out.
283
00:19:33,805 --> 00:19:38,401
But, you know, I was watching and I'm
wondering, which one is the funny guy?
284
00:19:38,777 --> 00:19:41,109
Peter, grab my hand!
285
00:19:41,213 --> 00:19:43,681
- Jeez, Horace, you been drinking?
- Grab it and pull!
286
00:19:45,884 --> 00:19:47,351
Come on, let's go.
287
00:19:50,556 --> 00:19:52,524
And here comes the heroic blind man.
288
00:19:52,624 --> 00:19:55,593
Tell us, sir, how did you summon
the courage to save your friend...
289
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:58,458
- from that burning building?
- That freaking place was on fire?
290
00:19:58,564 --> 00:20:01,692
And there you have it.
Coming up next, watch me shave.
291
00:20:03,669 --> 00:20:05,261
Peter, you're all right!
292
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:08,134
I am so proud of you
for saving Horace's life.
293
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:09,798
Yeah, Peter, you were amazing.
294
00:20:10,576 --> 00:20:14,205
You know, Brian, I guess I was.
And you know what else?
295
00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:16,609
People are gonna remember me for this.